Rule #1 - Be a foster parent first.
This is the single most important thing to do. If you don't follow any of the other rules, do this one. We didn't intend to be foster parents, but being so made all the difference. Even if you only want to adopt, do the foster training... you'll never regret it.
I remember being mildly resentful that I had to do parental training. After all, we had raised four children already, and they were great. Surely we didn't need parenting classes. Did we?
Without giving away any of the MAPP course, I distinctly remember sitting in the first class, leaning back in my chair, with my arms folded, and being politely bored. Then they dropped their first bombshell, and my mouth went open, and I leaned forward and gladly paid attention for the rest of the course.
Each year, to retain your status as an approved foster parent, you have to do fifteen or so hours of approved training, and every bit of it is worthwhile. As you'll read later, one of my children would almost certainly have died had I not just finished an Infant CPR course as part of my fifteen hours when the incident occured.
I have to also say that, initially, we had no intention of fostering. We only wanted to adopt. We thought that our hearts would be broken if we ever had to return a foster child. About half-way through the MAPP training, after listening to the testimony of one of the parents, who'd fostered over 150 kids, we realized that the need of the children outweighed the potential of us getting our little feelings hurt, and we decided we could foster a bit.
As well as adopting our eight, we ended up fostering about another forty kids. Most went back to birth familes, or moved to other foster or adoptive situations. We never did get our feelings hurt, because other than the very first kids you get (where there is so much pent up emotion that you think you're instantly in love until the Honeymoon Period is over), you soon realize that it's like thinking you can fall in love with a random stranger walking down the street. You don't do that, but you find you're able to parent a child, even if they're not going to be permanent.
Not only did we not get our feelings hurt, but we loved every minute of it, and would still be doing it, except that Georgia law requires a foster home to be closed after six adoptions (other than extra siblings that come along afterwards ... they try to keep siblings together).
Rule #2 - Adopt kids younger than your biological kids.
If possible, that is. This is not a hard and fast rule, and there are plenty of exceptions to this one, but our experience is that foster/ adoptive kids younger than your own work best, because they're more likely to fit into your family, rather than influence your family to change for them. Your existing kids naturally help set the expectations for the new ones. DFACS can't and won't tell you this, but pecking order is really important.
Rule #3 - Don't be scared of families or multiples.
Lots of times, we've seen whole families come into care, and there's nothing much wrong with them, except there're more than one, and people get scared of that. The downside is that it's more complicated, but the upside is that there is already accepted structure in place, and it tends to work better if siblings are kept together, because there is already bonding. If they can bond to each other, they can bond to you.
Multiples (twins, triplets, etc) scare people witless. No one wants them because they're so much work, and, make no mistake, they are work, but multiples are great fun. We had three sets of twins, and it's not double the trouble... it's double the love, and double the reward. If you can get mulitples, grab them with both hands.
Rule #4 - Be prepared to accept emergency placements.
This is another example of DFACS can't/ won't tell you, but emergency placements are immensely rewarding. None of ours actually stayed permanently, because birth family or other adoptive families were found to take them, but every one of them taught us something and that was reward enough. Many times the phone would ring in the middle of the night, and thirty minutes later, there'd be a Child Protective Services worker at the door with a baby, or sleepy little child. In the intervening thirty minutes, we'd have set up a bed or a crib, and gone through the clothes in the attic to prepare for the arrival. Our children grew accustomed to waking up in the morning to find mommy and daddy saying "We have a new child today." We loved that aspect of fostering, and still miss it.
Rule #5 - Be really, really careful about overseas adoptions.
It sucks to say it, because all kids deserve a shot at life, and there are lots of them overseas who need help, but it is so .... you have to be really careful.
When you foster/ adopt a local kid, you get to know them for a period before you are even allowed to begin to make a commitment, and still, then, there is a process that takes some time, and has many checks and balances along the way.
When you take a kid from overseas, you have no trial period. It's full-on from the beginning.
Here's the real issue... none of these kids are perfect. They all come with baggage. Sometimes it's minor, like medical issues that can easily be treated, but sometimes it's severe damage like Reactive Attachment Disorder, which is probably impossible to spot up front.
Now, there are lots of overseas adoptions that are absolute success stories, but unfortunately there are plenty that don't work, and turn into disasters, because once you adopt someone, it's permanent, and they are your responsibility. No one wants to talk about the ones that don't work.
If you still want to go ahead with an OA, the younger the child is, the better, and please join your local Foster/ Adoptive Parents Association. You will receive support and training that will prove invaluable.
The last point to mention about OAs is that they are generally expensive, whereas if you go through your local DFACS, it will be about free, and in fact, you'll probably receive a small allowance each day to help with expenses. And maybe Medicaid as well.
A better way to help kids overseas is to see if you can help provide jobs and education in that country.
Rule #6 - You can get babies locally.
A lot of would-be adopters go to DFACS, and say we only want to adopt a baby, and DFACS says "The waiting list is three years." And that's generally true, but while DFACS cannot and will not say this, you can get babies locally.
What you have to do is be a foster parent who will accept a baby. Amazingly, lots of foster parents don't want babies, because they're more trouble than a slightly older kid, or perhaps because both parents need to work, and they can't look after an infant.
Here's what happens... if a baby comes into foster care, DFACS first tries really hard to get the baby back with the birth family, either the mother or other blood relatives, but if that's not a workable solution for whatever reason (maybe the mother is on drugs or something ... drugs are really hard to kick), then the plan soon changes from reunification to termination.
What that means is that if the child comes up for adoption, the foster family gets first dibs!
Other than our first two boys, who came as twenty-month old twins, all of our other adoptees came straight from the hospital as babies.
Rule #7 - Don't expect them to be perfect.
Guess what? Your biological kids aren't perfect. Not even you are perfect, although you might be close. ;-) Any that you adopt will have flaws and blemishes too. Sometimes the blemishes are genetic (Bipolar issues, Tourette's Syndrome, ADHD, Dyslexia ... there's a reason the parents got into trouble, after all), and sometimes it's just how they've been raised. The parents might have had a substance abuse issue, or maybe they just didn't have much money, and they're trapped in a cycle of poverty.
It's nature and nurture.
We've had kids come into care where there was no one in their extended biological family who could afford to support the extra kids. When you're struggling to put food on the table, it's not possible to provide extra educational resources, or to seek help for very treatable issues like dyslexia, and the whole cycle gets repeated across generations. Doctors are really good at treating and managing whole classes of issues.
Of course, proper family structure and discipline fixes a huge amount of issues.
Sometimes these kids are medically fragile ... what's known as Special Needs kids. We were really scared about that prospect, because we were not confident that we could handle it. Then we got one. Two, actually. One of our sets of twins were born very prematurely... about two pounds each. By the time we got them from the hospital, they had grown to about four pounds, but were hooked up to apnea monitors and pulse-oxes ( a machine that measures a patient's pulse and oxygen levels) and one was hooked to an oxygen bottle.
When the CPS workers brought them to our door, I remember thinking "We might have bitten off a little more than we can chew here."
A week after we got them, one of them stopped breathing in the middle of her feed. Her pulse dropped precipitously, and her oxygen stats started dropping.
Fortunately, as part of our annual foster parents training, we'd just completed a CPR training course, and extra fortunately, we'd paid special attention to the Infant CPR portion, so we knew what to do. Our eldest daughter called 911, and I commenced CPR.
She'd already stabilized by the time the paramedics arrived, but she went off to hospital for a week. It was touch and go, but she survived.
Because this baby had such a difficult start to life, the doctors all said she would not live. She and her twin were both diagnosed as failure to thrive. They both lived and thrived. The doctors then said this one would probably never walk. When it became apparent that she was going to walk, they said said "Well, she'll probably need a brace and a walker." When she discarded the brace and walker but was slow to talk, they said "Well, she'll probably never talk". She has a slight speech impediment, but talks so much, we sometimes wonder if she'll ever shut up. :-)
She talks, and sings and dances, and went to school on time, and is a beautiful little kid.
The moral is "Don't be scared of special needs kids" It's amazing what lots of prayer, together with stimulation, and physical, occupational and speech therapy can accomplish.
Rule # 8 - Discipline!
The single "best thing" to do regarding discipline is to stay one step ahead of your children. If you do that, you can usually preempt issues before they escalate.
We've got eight kids under thirteen and have almost no problems with disobedience or sibling rivalry. Either parent can take all eight of them out to a restaurant by themselves without any problems.
All we're doing is providing structure, consistency, and firmness. We require good manners, and we try to keep enough of an eye on them that we head off issues.
We're not doing anything special and every family can do that, and it makes life very pleasant for everyone.
Rule #9 - Don't be an island - get help!
The single most important thing we discovered about fostering and adopting was the need to get help, and get help early.
We were probably lucky because very early in our walk, we found there was this program in Georgia called Early Intervention, and I expect there's a similar program everywhere. What happens is that if you think there are any issues with your baby, you can get Early Intervention involved. They'll assess the child and recommend what programs might be needed. This can include physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy, and actual medical help. I did not believe that a little baby could possibly benefit from physical therapy.... it seemed like a nutty idea... but I soon became convinced that it really does help. All of our kids went to Boot Camp early, and I'm positive it helped immensely.
As well as getting professional help through Early Intervention, we can heartily recommend joining your local Foster and Adoptive Parents association. There you will find kindred spirits, a sympathetic ear when you need it, and lots of experience and advice. It'll save you time, money and pain.
Rule #10 - It's great fun and immensely rewarding!
Yes, it's a bunch of work, but it's the most rewarding thing you'll ever do in your life. We've got eight, and we reckon we get more out of it than they do.
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